Wash. Rinse. Repeat. It’s a vicious cycle.

My 25 year old is using again. 💔

Fighting with his gf/wife (married but not legal 🤷🏼‍♀️). 

No job. 

No housing. 

Pandemic unemployment allows them to get a motel room. 

No support from parole or addictions counselor. 

What’s the point of parole if they’re not going to hold him accountable for violations?

Abusive towards wife and me when he’s using.

I’m trying to remain supportive but not enabling. 

It’s a struggle.

She (who has no family support) keeps calling me. 

Wants me to rescue him.

I *can’t. 

Not that I don’t want to. 

She thinks he’s in danger.

I find myself in the position to deal with my worry and grief and try to support her. 

I can’t. 

It’s too much. 

I (think I) sound callous when I tell her to call 911. 

When I say I’m not driving over there to get him. 

When I turn off my phone at night. 

I’m not immune to her worry, but I can’t bear her angst and grief along with my own.

My prayers for him are just for him to be healthy and productive and know that there is a wonderful life available to him when he’s ready for it. 

The emotional toll is great. 

This is an intolerable dynamic we face as mothers. 

How can you turn away?

How can you accept that it has to be him that wants help? That you can’t save him or wrap him in your arms and make it all better. 

There are no good systems to help these adults who are emotionally and mentally not able to take on adult responsibilities due to addictions and trauma and mental health issues. 

The corrections system is a disaster. 

Social service systems are ineffective, underfunded and have no authority. 

This is a vicious cycle of pain and attempts to clear the pain with drugs, not being able to sustain employment, housing, relationships... any intervention by a parent just enables the dysfunctional behavior- yet it’s untenable to watch your adult child be homeless and at risk.

I can’t save him.

I can’t watch him destroy himself.

I wrote this a a rambling diatribe to release my overwhelming anxiety. I did not pretty it up as a blog post. I’m not capable of cleaning it up right now, so here it stands.

Regrets might come later. 🤷🏼‍♀️

http://www.mylivesignature.com/signatures/54487/90/0A3C0348987BD765FBF549B6D543A902.png

eternally optimistic. occasionally snarky. 100% survivor. life is good. 😎

That's what my Facebook and Twitter bio says. 

It's still true. 

I saw a FB quiz about Eannagram types and their response to coronavirus.  I found it eerily true. 

https://www.truity.com/test/enneagram-personality-test

My high scores were in the seven and eight category. Even though I didn't score high on 9, I'd say that would be me too.

What do you think? Does the enneagram test capture your traits?  Does this tongue-in-cheek meme predict how you deal with a crisis?

Wow. So, I last checked in here SIX years ago. 

I'd say that was indeed, a lifetime ago. 

A quick (hah!) recap:

• I finished chemo and radiation
• I had my temporary ileostomy reversed (you can google what that is)
• I met a really great guy AND WE'RE STILL DATING! Will we go the next step and move in together? Who knows, but I'm happy with where things are with him. He's my Person. I'm his person. 
• My daughter is getting ready to graduate college - wow!
• My son has dropped out of college, been kicked out of several apartments, been in and out of drug court, mental health court, jail and prison. He's had more second chances than a cat has lives. That's a whole blog series in and of itself. Bottom line. He's my son and I'm his mom. I will not enable him, but I will never give up on him. Period. I will always have hope. And stress, too; along with anxiety. But always hope. 
• I paid off the mortgage of the house I got to stay in after the divorce. That's great, but alimony and child support are done and I'm working a job that doesn't really pay what my experience is worth and my habits require. But it has no stress and health benefits, so that's a plus.
• I'm finally at least fantasizing what it would mean to try and declutter and sell this house and move to a condo/townhome. It's a little daunting.

I so admire people who live an intentional life.

People who don’t let clutter bog them down. 
People who have a plan.

I’m over here in the corner just flying by the seat of my pants.

Eating leftovers for breakfast and digging through the (clean) laundry basket to find a matching pair of socks.

And I’ve “missed” trash day for 3 weeks in a row now. 😳

http://www.mylivesignature.com/signatures/54487/90/0A3C0348987BD765FBF549B6D543A902.png

Chemo, Round 2

This post should have been written last Thursday, I'm *already a blogging slacker, oops.

Round 2 went well. I had great visitors and the time passed quickly. 
The next two days were actually better than the first time - I think it's because last time I had the lingering effects of the anesthesia to deal with. I managed to go out on Friday night for dessert (my birthday!) and for dinner on Saturday, so I'd say that counts as success. On Sunday, I drove to Niagara to pick my daughter up from Sibling Weekend with her brother.  I'll admit, I was pretty tired when I got back home, but that's ok for a Sunday. 
Queasiness seemed to be in check until Monday morning when I tried to take a whole handful of vitamins and pills and managed to induce my gag reflex. I can't say that it's a chemo side effect as I think I caused it. Won't be doing *that again. 
Now, it's Tuesday, and the tide is turning - Tuesday is the day that I can start to drink chilled liquids without feeling like my throat is full of daggers. I still get pins and needles in my fingers and toes, but it's just a minor annoyance. 

and the beat goes on

So, last weekend was an "off" weekend - no chemo and the start of our February school vacation week. Due to my next scheduled chemo, I couldn't take off the whole week, but I was still determined to go on an adventure with my 15 year old daughter. We had a condo for the week near Atlantic City, so we loaded our car and took off on a road trip. 
We checked in on Saturday night, and on Sunday morning it was chilly, bright and sunny so we took off for the beach. We took lots of beach photos and walked on the boardwalk - much more enjoyable (to me) in the off-season. 
(Photos later)
Then we met my cousins and uncle for  lunch and exploring the outlet mall. Then back to the condo for dinner, birthday celebrations and lots of laughs.  Did I mention we all got to feel the baby kick in my cousin's womb - she's over 40 so woohoo!

Had a sleepover with one of my cousins and her teen boys - then off to the beach and boardwalk again for more photos and wonderfully tacky souvenirs. 
Then to Haddenfield, NJ for paint your own pottery.

Monday night we left the teens at the condo, while we went to The Golden Nugget for cocktails and slot machines. We were no doubt, part of the younger demographic, but the parking was free and the bartender made some pretty fancy-schmancy tasty cocktails.

Tuesday morning was bright and sunny in AC, but an hour away, another cousin got 5 inches of snow and a 2 hour school delay!

...more later

I aM a RoCkStAr!

5 whole minutes with the doc after waiting an hour 

That wasn't so much fun.

But I am a RoCkStar 


He said I was doing great and however I felt last week is how I can expect to feel - so that's not bad - and don't need bloodwork -yippee!

Basically, I felt tired and a little"yucky" on Saturday and Sunay with some pins and needles in my fingers and toes and cold sensitivity in my throat. By Monday I had lots of energy and met my boyfriend for a drink. I can live with that. :-)

Saturday (barring any more snowstorms) I'm heading to Atlantic City and Philly for a few days. Life goes on!